Are You a Constant Corrector? Letting Go of Being Right with People Living with Dementia
Imagine being told several times every day that you are incorrect about a statement, perception, date, place, or a simple memory. Imagine the feelings of frustration, shame, and embarrassment that is felt when you are constantly corrected or just told out right that “you are wrong.”
Then imagine the person constantly being corrected has dementia. The confusion and the distorted sense of time passing for people living memory loss is caused by damage to the brain cells and not the attempt to “lie” about something. The “altered reality” is real to the person and should be supported rather than confronted.
So why do people constantly correct someone? Often the person may be a “black and white thinker,” or have a nature to believe that everything is either “right or wrong.” Letting go of things that don’t quite fit their ideas is difficult and upsets them. This causes resentment to the person constantly being corrected, and pointing out the “wrong” or incorrect comments for a person with dementia creates feelings of inadequacies. The examples below may be helpful in understanding the importance of “letting go” of the need to correct people with dementia.
- Correcting the person living with memory will most often results in an argument. This will likely upset them and become angry and creates a situation that could easily be avoided. You will never win an argument with a person with dementia!
- Being corrected also may result in the person living with dementia feel they are being treated like a “child.” This can cause resentment and motivation to not share feelings or thoughts, or complete tasks.
- If a fact or memory is incorrect it really shouldn’t matter. Focus on feelings, not facts!
- Avoid asking a person with memory loss to remember. Asking someone with short term memory loss what they had for breakfast is fruitless. The memory of breakfast can no longer be stored because of the changes in the brain thus the person cannot retrieve the memory they don’t have.
- Be cautious when a person with memory loss that believes a deceased loved one is still living. Often people with dementia are expecting their mother for lunch, who has been deceased for many years. In early stage, you may use a gently reminder of the death, but when the person is not longer to accept that reality, validate their need to talk about the loved-one and recall joyful events that were shared as favorite foods. When a person with a type of dementia is no longer able to process and remember events, telling them repeatedly the person who is deceased will only upset them, and they experience the pain of loss because it is like hearing for the first time. Good news works the same way! If your mother is going to be grandmother, share the news more than once and share in a joyful moment!
- Take the blame rather than shame a person living in their altered reality. When the person is angry the car keys are not where they left them, even though they have not driven for years, blame yourself for misplacing them and assure you loved one that you will look for them. Just affirming your willingness to look for the lost object can satisfy that need and the lost key will be forgotten.
- Apologizing, even when you have done nothing wrong with a simple “I’m sorry dad, I took your glasses to clean them.” This will defuse the situation and buy some time to search for them.
- People living with memory loss may not “remember” what you corrected them about later, but they will remember how it made them feel and a resentment can go along way.
If you would like more information about our Memory Ministry, Memory Cafe or out Family and Friends Workshops, please contact Vicky at vpitner@firstumc.org.