When Dad Insists that Mom is Just Forgetful
As we age, our bodies go through many changes, including changes in the brain. Often a spouse/partner will notice subtle changes in his/her lovedone’s memory, but contributes it to “old age”. We may forget where we left the car keys or be a bit slower recalling someones name, but with normal aging we will eventual remember the person’s name and recall where we left our keys. However, with memory loss we may find the lost keys but not remember their function or remember we hadn’t driven in several years.
When recognizing changes in someone such as confusion performing common tasks, or forgetting appointments, early memory loss could be the reason. Often when a spouse/partner notices these changes, the person will first begin to make excuses or justifying the incidents to themselves and deny that something is different or concerning to others.
He/she may begin taking on more responsibility for the person such as choosing clothes or answering for the person, thus avoiding the possibility the person may not be able to give an accurate response. The person may then attempt to convince other family members mom is just tired, hoping to avoid a stressful situation. This denial can be detrimental and will need to be addressed.
Refusing to acknowledge the changes isn’t an intentional act, but rather a strategy to minimize the stress, painful thoughts or anxiety felt. Denial is a coping mechanism used to protect ourselves from emotional pain, and allows time to adjust to new circumstances and process changes. When behaviors associated with memory loss become so apparent to others, but the spouse/partner is unable to come to terms with the “elephant in the room,” the person with memory loss and family members miss out on early interventions and treatment options to slow cognitive decline and improve the quality of life.
If you need to address the changes in a parent, and the other parent is just not ready, below are some tips to try.
- Avoid demanding the parent “come to terms” with the memory loss. This can caused conflicts and erode trust in the relationship.
- Request to have a conversation, even when the topic is uncomfortable. You may find that he/she is relieved to talk about it.
- Try understanding the fear that prevents the person from coming to terms with memory loss. Are they fearful they would be separated from each other? Perhaps fearful of the long term consequences of dementia?
- Learn the symptoms of cognitive impairment and share with your family.
- Keeping a journal of the behavioral changes can be useful to track dates and note the change in cognitive abilities.
- Ask for professional help and guidance on supporting family members denying the changes.
If you would like more information on our Memory Ministry, or Memory Café, please contact Vicky Pitner at vpitner@firstumc.org.