Stop Correcting and Start Connecting with Person’s Living with a Dementia
During the progression of any dementia, the brains ability to store and retrieve memories decreases. However, because of interactions at a particular time and that interaction made the person feel, these emotional memories will remain longer, So often, with memory loss, we feel the need to “correct” the person when the memory of places or people fade, as the person is living in a confusing timeline of events. The person may express thoughts or beliefs that don’t align with our reality, and it is during these moments we can take the opportunity to connect, and not correct.
Think of when you are corrected on a fact, or an incorrect memory. The shame and even anger that might creep up when someone calls you out on something, especially when in front of others, are the same feelings of embarrassment and shame when a person living with memory loss is corrected and reminded their memory is wrong.
Validating the person’s feelings is key to maintain meaningful relationships. Facts are no longer important when memories fade, only feelings should matter. It is not always easy to “let go” of an incorrect statement, but giving the person a sense of belonging and respect is really what is important.
Tips for meaningful connections:
- Meet the person in their reality. If their reality reflects a time when his/her parents were living, but both parents are deceased and are expecting them for the holidays, validating the relationship the person had with the parents and talking about good memories maybe all they need. Reminding the person his/her parents are deceased is unkind and hurtful as the person will relive the deaths as if it was the first time hearing the news. Encouraging the persons to talk me about his/her dad rather than telling the person the parents died 15 years ago can go a long way for a meaningful connection.
- When memories fafe, emotions remain strong, and responding with empathy and understanding when a person is confused, gives the reassurance of trust.
- Rather that starting a conversation by asking if the person “remembers” the time the family went to the airport to picked their oldest for a visit home from college, start the conversation by stating “I was “thinking” about the time we picked up our son at the airport and he so happy to be home for the holidays,” can get a conversation moving and sharing good memories.
- Sometimes a meaningful connection is simply sitting together and holding hands. Your calm and kind presence will often matter more than words.
If you would like more information about our Memory Ministry, Memory Cafe or Family and Friends Workshops, please contact Vicky at vpitner@firstumc.org.